Day 334

OK, the last day of the second to last month.... hmmmm.. It was a horrible photo day, but not a bad personal day. I got to eat lunch off campus with a friend and feel like a human being. That's always a good thing. I saw a lot of students today which always makes me like my job more. So that was good. I've caught cold, not so good. Oh well, overall it was an ok day.








I wanted to find color today, but what I realized I was really looking for was light. There was no real light today. I woke up pretty early and the sun was rising and it was lovely over the neighbor's garage. I haven't taken that shot in a while, but because of where the sun sat when I got up, I was able to get it.

After I got out of work it was just dreary and I started to look for bright color. I only found a branch of winter berries. Sweet, but not completely fulfilling. I think that shape and texture begin to get essential in the winter. I'll watch for that in December.



I'm not sure how many photographs I have taken in 334 days. A lot! I'm still excited by them and I know what lens I'm going to buy to start a new level of exploration with the camera. I feel really good about the learning part of this process, it has been exciting and fun.

In December I will try to be more attentive to completion. I'm not exactly sure what that will look like, but I am beginning to get prepared for a final product. December will not be that product, for it will be a part of the whole, but it will begin to define the product. I still think Spring Equinox gallery opening..... look for the announcement.

Day 333

I really do want to try to describe grief, but what is clear to me is that it is easier to describe it when it is in the abstract. When it is concrete it is too close to put into words, well, atleast for me it is. We have not met at writing in three weeks. I haven't had any place to practice, all the writing I've been doing is right here on this blog. That makes it a little more difficult. But I have today and tomorrow left in November and then one more month. I will count down the last 31 days. Anyway, to pull some threads together; 1) the frost was thick this morning when I woke up. By the time I got to work it was cold but it was blue.



By the time I got out of work it was already dusk. Winter is here. We now have 3 - 4 months of white, grey and blue with an occasional pink.



I talked to my brother Paul when I got out of work and he convinced me to go out and seek what light there was left. So I did. Here are the results. These were all taken in Colrain.











That hole I mentioned last night, and a way to fill it without harming oneself, I guess that's a spiritual question and it is that realm that is so personal and not easy to put in this blog, although it is a large part of grief. I hope that by day 365 I state my understanding of the answer to the question, but until then you'll have to think upon the question yourself and mull over the photos and poems; do they give you insight into living with grief?

Day 332: Margaret Whiton Tilton's birthday

53 years ago I was in my second year of Nursery School. It was in Wilton, CT, a little flat red building up behind Wilton Center. I think I loved it there, I remember loving it there. I remember this November day was bleak and a friend of my Dad's was supposed to pick me up and he was really late. He got me and brought me home where my Mom was home from the hospital with my baby sister. She was beautiful. I think I knew then that I wanted to work with kids or that I loved kids. Happy Birthday, Margie! I still love you, maybe even more than I did that day.







Emma and I had an overnight last night. We were very silly a lot of the time, we watched Dr Dolittle with Eddie Murphy. I'd never seen it before. I loved it only because it was just enough for me these days; pure entertainment. She left today around 2. I finished the dishes and went up to the Coop to seek out some community. I wasn't disappointed. I love watching Greenfield on Sunday afternoon, it feels so normal and content.




Then I went in search of a place to shoot the sunset. They block off Poet's Seat in the winter so I couldn't get down there. I was so disappointed. There will be no winter shots from atop the ledge. I drove over to Highland Pond, which is freezing over a little and then up onto Highland Ave., but I couldn't get a view. So I drove on home and caught one shot before I got to my house.





So the majority of my day was spent thinking about how one can fill that hole, that internal hole in you in an appropriate manner.

Day 331

Less grumpy today, went to lunch with the girls and Eli. Was fun. Bought a couple Christmas presents, I must be feeling a little better today.




It actually snowed today. It wasn't some giant snowstorm, but snow did stick. Emma and I decided on Chinese delivery. It's the first time I've done it from China Gourmet. We are eating hot and sour soup in the comfort of our own home. It is just right on this cold evening.



I am thankful for hot and sour soup.
I am thankful for dogs, they are so wonderful.
I am thankful for positive distractions
and
I am thankful for funny memories of my parents.








Thought you would all appreciate an update on Swimmer. She is doing well, Nana says that her wounds have scabbed over and that the scabs will begin to fall soon. She's not out of the woods, but the chance of infection is very little at this point. She is a great believer in raw honey now. Swimmer has to see the doc again soon, and won't go back in the coop for a bit. But she's on her way back to head duck status.
I am thankful for this, too.

Day 330

I have been a grumpy person all day. Around 3 I went out for a little walk. Then I came back and took a little nap, woke up in complete darkness. I never turned on the fish tank lights. And all I wanted to do was cry.








Nice visit with my brother-in-law's family. Ate good shrimp. But I just needed to come home and be by myself.







Broke a blood vessel in my eye I think for the second time in the past several months. Should I be worried about it?

It is so easy to get mad at others for being like you, for sharing the same short comings; for not being able to clearly ask for what you need; for not being able to believe you deserve to be treated well; for not giving yourself the space for sadness. God bless us all.

Day 329: Happy Thanksgiving

Tonight I am thankful for good food, really good food.
I am thankful for the telephone and its ability to connect one to loved ones far away.
I am thankful for my good driving skills.
I am thankful for family.
I am thankful for this extremely fun and worthwhile distraction from my bruised heart.

Day 328

BREATH. Everyone BREATH.

Remember to be thankful.








This morning I read all of February. (Diane G. I don't know how you did it all in one sitting.) In February I talked a little about what I'd learned about photography in the first month. Today, while roaming the streets of Northampton, I thought some about what I'd learned. In the beginning I took every shot 10 times over and learned from that. An average day was 100 shots or so. Now an average day is 25 shots because I don't need to do as many experimental shots, I can set it up from the beginning. I am much more intentional.





Tomorrow is the beginning of the first holiday season without Mom. I'm afraid I still believe she will be there. Yup, she will bring the orange stuff herself.





BREATH. 8 counts in, hold for 4 and 8 counts out. Do it 4 consecutive times. BREATH.

Day 327

This was taken at 6:30 this morning. What was I doing up that early? No one called me this morning. I think I had a spooky nightmare or something. The fog was so thick it was hard to see the street lights.






Off to work though and once inside I didn't have to go out into the real world until I left at 3:30 where the sun was trying so hard. But he didn't make it and by 6 tonight we were socked in again.



I ordered a pizza.




Blogger isn't working right tonight. Uploading is not working. So let me tell you what I am grateful for and let that be enough for the day. I am grateful for FLICKR friends and their gorgeous photos. I am grateful for some self awareness. I am grateful for pineapple. I am grateful for my ability to stop and chose how to react instead of just tripping into reaction. I am grateful for my goldfish.