Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Day 181; Mike Whiton's birthday

It has been a surreal return to my life. Being in CA was good for me because I really did let go of my own life. I didn't complain, I didn't wish I was somewhere else or that something was different. I was not over stimulated and I allowed myself to just let go.

But my present day life is dramatic, its very existence is dramatic and there was no way to slide back carefully into the drama.

So once again, I am grateful for my family. I am truly grateful for my cousins. I am grateful for 75 degree weather on the last day of June. I am grateful for clarity today, and plenty of ice water. I am grateful that my lovely niece, Maddie found someone to laugh with.

Night folks.

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Day 180

I am home. I have had 3 hours of sleep in the mast 36 hours so I have to go to bed. Meanwhile a lot of my family is visiting. They all went over to DiPaolo's for dinner. I can't take stimulation, so I'm off to bed.

Meanwhile I did keep up with this while I was gone and I will post it tomorrow. It was fun to do all of this by hand.

Today's weather picture.

Day 179

Sunday, June 20, 2010

Day 171

Alright, I have spent an entire day by myself. Yup, it is true. I am packed and with the exception of banking, I am ready to go. Which brings me to the topic of tonight. I am going away. I am going to California with Emma. I am very happy and looking forward to it. I will take a lot of photos and I will write, but I will do it on paper and post photos in 9 days or so. It is a vacation for www.wonanl, too. At least practically it is, in reality I will do it daily, you just won't be able to enjoy until later.

Many of you know that I have spent the past couple weeks trying to photograph this pair of hummingbirds that are visiting my feeder. They are fast little ones, but today, as I sat in the lawn chair staring at the feeder the male came up and sat on the top of the post and then hung around. I just snapped, I didn't even really look, I just snapped. So out of 25 shots there maybe 4 or 5 worth looking at, but I did it. Then I went and looked up hummingbird in my medicine wheel card book and what he stands for is joy, "go experience joy."

Therefore, I'm off to experience joy. I love Pt Reyes, I feel centered in Pt Reyes. I'm hoping Emma has the same response to it. My Mom and I had a good visit on Friday, we got some time to say, see ya. She believes she will be around to hear my stories when I return. I'm taking her at her word, but I also feel at peace about going far away. Mommy, you be at peace, too. I love you.

Saturday, June 19, 2010

Day 170

Yesterday was a throw away day for my project. I posted a couple of pictures that I took during the day, but basically i got no time alone to do anything of my own. I'm trying to grab as much of that as I can this afternoon.

It was a wonderful day for birds. I saw new robins' nests being made, catbirds all around, a jay, a pair of ruby throated hummingbirds, and a male cardinal zooming by. I saw the chickens, ducks, chickies, and parrot. I saw the girls that go with those birds and the dog and supercat. They cheered me up a little.

I have serious things on my mind. I have issues of right and wrong and fairness, I have issues of life and death, and I have issues of acceptance and mental and genetic disorders. I have the anxt of going on a trip and whether everything will fit in the suitcases and will my knee hold out and can Emma be polite to my relatives for a whole week and and and and and

Are you ok to go off on a fishing boat, Kora J? Your Uncle John better take care of you.

And I, after playing with the animals and playing with my photographs will try to go to bed soon. I cannot write about any of those serious subjects tonight, I'm too full, I have to escape them in my art instead. Do people understand?

Friday, June 18, 2010

Thursday, June 17, 2010

Day 168

This morning the world couldn't figure out what it wanted to do. I think the weather has been close to perfect this week and I have been physically very comfortable in this temperature. But we are about to turn. And I am going to California. YES! My vacation officially started at 3 o'clock today and I do not have to be back at work until July 6th.

I woke up this morning and I had the need to call all of my people whom I am worried about. I wanted to make sure everyone was alright, that they were all in their beds or getting ready for work and that nothing traumatic had happened during the night. I kept myself from calling everyone but Mom. Matter of fact, I still want to call Patrick. Maybe I will in a minute. Yesterday was just one of those days that oozed drama and at 4:30 this morning it took its toll on me and by 6 I wanted to know if everyone was alright!!!!!!!!!

So is everyone alright?

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Day 167: Ember Tilton's Birthday

Berskye, 31 years ago you came into our lives and you made me smile from the beginning, I loved your curiosity and your imagination. I still do. You are wonderful.

Kora took these during our visit to the Duckpond today. I think they are very representative of Emma's and my relationship. Although I don't like looking at myself, I am happy to have them. And I was very happy to spend time with my 2 girls today. I'll work a full day tomorrow, but it was worth getting a little time with them. I love them lots.

Today was a bleak day. A lot of odd things happened today. I'm getting worried about going to California, but I'm almost all set with plans. I am worried that my knee will come out in the middle of the Texas airport, or Emma will get too far in front of me or.... you know those normal things. But I also see it as a new beginning. I am looking forward to redefinition and I think this will be a good demarcation; a good place to start. It is starting that is so hard for me. I'm good at the going, it's the spark that I usually need from outside, so this trip can be a hypothetical spark.

I was dive bombed by a few barn swallows this morning. 2 female red winged black birds yelled at me to go away with that camera. The ducks and goose could have cared less about me, the Canada geese family ran away when children arrived, and the roads were lined with both robins and mockingbirds today. I saw no large birds though.

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Day 166

It's late. It's writing night. On writing night you get photos only. I wanted to post these silly poems Emma and I wrote together, but another night, I have to sleep.

Monday, June 14, 2010

Day 165

This is the writing I promised people a week ago. I wrote it on June 8th. I don't think I will put pictures amidst it, I will put a few at the end.

It’s actually chilly out here in Edite’s garden, it’s sweet though. It wasn’t all that long ago that she and I came out here to get some fresh air and she did a little weeding and a little watering and I worried she’d pay too much for doing it in the middle of the night. But here we are sitting in a little lush garden full of little delights. She’s not physically perfect, but she is not writhing in pain either.

It’s strange; I really can envision the life I want. I do know what the changes look like, I just have to start. One step at a time, start, and taking the time to write in Edite’s garden, in spite of the fact that I’m chilly, is one of those ways to start.

I actually had to fight myself to be writing tonight. Emma sobbed in my arms and begged me to stay or bring her to writing, too. “I’ll write with you!’ But once I explained that we all do this together for three hours, longer than a movie, she agreed she wasn’t ready to start writing that way yet, but would I at least call her before she went to bed and would I let her fall asleep in my arms right then in her bed, now? Would I sing to her?

She wants me to sing to her. I still love singing to her, I don’t think I remember the words as easily as I did when she was 2 or 4, but it didn’t mean that much to her to remember the words, now she remembers better than I do.

Cynthia died on Tuesday morning, August 3rd. The Friday night before she died, when she knew she was going to die she said to me, “sing to me, Lindy, sing to me like you sing to Emma.” I did. “I never had anyone who’d sing to me,” she said. I did. I had a whole house full of people to sing to me. It has always signified safety to me or “a member of the pact.” When I fell very ill in ’88 all I wanted was for Jason to sing me to sleep, which he did. He sang me great songs at the foot of my hospital bed, a lot of Beatle songs,
Someday you’ll find that I have gone
For tomorrow may rain and I’ll follow the sun
You know them all. There were birds on a hill…
Anyway, I’ll sing Emma to sleep when she’s 25 if she still wants me to. At the moment I am willing to sing my Mom to sleep, too. She needs that security. I’m sure that Barb and Paul could do a better job singing to her, but I’m not sure if they have the same feeling about being song to sleep as I do. I mean music, and voice in general, is their passion, they are learned and good at it, but for me it means Daddy and security in a good way.

I’m writing out here in Edite’s garden listening to the contrasting sounds of life, birds, several different kinds, children yelling, parents screaming, cars and motorcycles zooming by, the wind, or actually the leaves. Swallows, doves, a grackle and baby, a dog barks, and I am full of adrenaline.
I am not sure how I will start this new chapter of my life, but I do know it is time. Writing and singing and listening will all continue to be a part of it, too.

Sunday, June 13, 2010

Day 164

How old are you when you are able to understand that there is unfairness in the world? That there is poverty that causes suffering in the world? That cats catch baby mice and kill them? And that people can live in poverty with suffering and still smile and be surrounded by joy?

We had a nice day today. Emma and I went up to Annie's. Kora brought Emma home a beautiful outfit from India. Emma looked so great in it. It was good for us to visit that house. We have great memories of our own there. We've taken care of the animals a few times, and Emma sees Lucy, their German Shepard as her first real dog friend.

Kora took over 1,000 photos in India. They were incredible.

This picture is of my second family watching Kora's photos. Some of the pictures are of an orphanage in Calcutta, some are in the Himalayas where she hiked with a friend. There are city pictures of poverty in beautiful colors, stray dogs, hungry children. She's going to have an amazing slide show when she's finished. Emma sat on Kora's back and watched for a long time, but at some point she needed to go outside. As we got out we were aware that the cats were teasing something on the edge of the trees. They had a baby mouse. Gracey killed it before Emma could save it. "Why do cats kill baby mice? Why are dogs starving in places?"
My answers are too simple; it is life. Truly it is.

"Kora, will you go with me and Lindy to India and make an orphanage for dogs and cats?" Yup, how old? 9 will do.