Day 64

March 5, 2010



I am back with Dori and Earl in Connecticut. Look at those eyes. He is the prince. Tonight they are hanging out on the blow up bed with Christine the giraffe. It’s a treat for them. They are better entertainment than the TV set. Dori is staring at me while I write.




Mom and I went down to the marina and talked today. It was very beautiful. The color of the sea and sky were almost a pearl blue green. Gorgeous. The photographs don’t do it justice. I couldn’t capture the subtlety of the color. I couldn’t capture the sense of stretching beyond the Connecticut shore that the colors expressed tonight. Nor could they capture our conversation. Oh well, you can’t expect everything from a camera.
We picked up good mussaka and crème caramel for dinner. Yummy.
Now I am alone in this house that was never my home, but my Mother has lived here for 22 years and my sister for 19. So for them it really is home. I’ve lived in my house for 13 years now. I told the landlord when I moved in to kick me out if I stayed longer than 5, that within 5 years I needed to make a life plan, have things changed, but I have spent the majority of those 13 years being poor and not being able to move beyond it. Now I think about buying it and having Geoff redesign it the way I really would like.
Everyone has gone to bed, including the cats. Soon I will get in my nightgown and grab my book and read instead of spending two hours on flickr. It’s kind of strange not having access to the Internet, but I know it is good for me. I know that I have to think things through instead of hiding behind photographs to keep me from looking at the facts and helping to create a plan of action around here.





Christine and Dori.
I brought Christine in from the car. I didn’t bring her sister and her baby in, but I thought the cats would find her fun. Now I feel guilty. Yes at 56 I can still feel guilty about not treating the stuffed animals equally. Emma would run to the car and get the others. I don’t feel that guilty.
Good night. Tomorrow Patrick is coming to visit. It’ll be good for us all.


Day 65: March 6, 2010






We talked about edges a lot today. We talked about real feelings and the reality of our lives, both mutual and singular. Patrick’s presence is calming because he is both strong and gentle. He has all of those characteristics that we hold so dear around here, Mom said, “He’s so real.” He is.




And he makes room for other people to co-exist.
We really did discuss edges. I started this whole idea to document the year of multiple emotions that are caused by life’s circumstances. Edges was a way of better defining some of those emotions and some of those circumstances. On a blog It is difficult to write about stuff that is completely intimate to family and friends, it is difficult to define those emotions and to describe those actions that are the most meaningful of all. If I wrote it in fiction, if I created characters that experienced these emotions then I could get away with it. I can continue to write poetry that illustrates or provokes such emotions. I can take photographs that illustrate or provoke emotions, that explore edges. This I have to do, I have to continue to express this without naming names or breaking confidences.




We’ll just continue to marvel at the delicacy and the color of tiny shells. Or the intricacy of the lines in a man’s hand. These are the edges. Why are these shells intact? Today was calm and warm for the first time this year. We’ll still have to take another snow storm before March leaves us, but today was proof that the cycle does go around again.

My Mother is having a very difficult time letting others do for her. After all of these year, after all of these years of being the matriarch she is having to let us do every physical thing for her, slowly but surely. But she maintains her mind. She continues to understand the subtle connections between people and their behaviours. She also continues to love. I continue to be awed. I continue to know that life is fascinating. I continue to love, to feel love, to want love around me. Today I spent the day with my Mother, my older sister, my close friend, Patrick and two wonderful felines. I cooked meals, I shopped, I went for a couple walks, I laughed a lot, I knew tears were close at hand and I ached for it to be different, but its not.






I saw both a cardinal and a hawk close enough to photograph before 11 a.m. and found a couple of purple berries that the birds didn’t eat all winter long. What did they know that I didn’t? A water rat ran in front of the car while it was parked near the marina and I was walking on the rocks. YUCK! Look at the color of that sky. Yep, it was a beautiful day, and I am in love with life in an extremely calm and gentle manner.